


Distrust Everything, If You Have To

by redandglenda



Category: The Hobbit (2012) RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 21:23:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redandglenda/pseuds/redandglenda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the kinkmeme prompt: One of the cast has a sort of dark past. Maybe they were homeless for a while? Forced into prostitution to make enough money to eat? Something. Obviously they're out of it now, but they're still scared it's going to happen to them again somehow. Some or all of the cast finds out about all this, how do they react?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distrust Everything, If You Have To

It happened suddenly.

One moment Richard had been eagerly sucking Graham's cock, and then next he was retching in the bin across the room.

Graham stood in shock, erection instantly lost, then rushed to Richard's side and rubbed Richard's back soothingly until he stopped bringing up bile. "Rich?"

"I'm sorry, I just -" Richard looked like he was going to start retching again. 

"Let me get you a glass of water," Graham said, getting up and tucking himself back into his trousers. He brought the water back, and sat near Richard, carefully not touching him, afraid that he would set Richard off again somehow. He watched as Richard slowly sipped the water, patiently waiting for him to be ready to speak.

After a long pause, Richard finally flicked his eyes up to meet Graham's, and then went back to staring at the floor. "That word you used," Richard began slowly, "it brings back bad memories."

 _Obviously_ , Graham thought. He waited a bit longer to see if Richard was going to be more forthcoming. Richard was a very private man, and it had taken Graham the better part of a year before he knew Richard well enough to be able to tell that Richard was interested in Graham back.

Richard continued to stare at the floor, and whispered, "Whore," seemingly to himself, shaking his head.

Graham took that at permission for him to finally speak, "Richard," he said sharply, hoping to get Richard's attention back on him and not on the memories apparent by the dark expression on Richard's face. 

It worked, and Richard finally jerked his head up and stared at Graham, "Graham, I'm sor-"

Graham cut him off, "Don't apologise, lad," he said a bit gruffly, never the most comfortable with heart-felt talks. "It was my fault, and I hope you know that I meant nothing by it."

"Of course," Richard nodded, seemingly more at ease. "Don't mind me, tossing my dinner up over nothing like a freak," his voice trailed off and his eyes started to drift back to the floor.

"Y'aren't a freak and especially not a whore," Graham said firmly. He knew Richard suffered from self esteem problems and recalled vividly the surprise he felt when he found out that Richard hadn't unpacked for three weeks after filming started for fear of being fired, but this latest episode was beyond that level of self esteem problem. This was some serious trauma. Graham knew he had to handle this delicately to not spook Richard into running off. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have said that even if I meant it in a positive way, because I didn't mean to upset you at _all_ ," he chanced a hand on Richard's shoulder, pleased to see Richard relax into it slightly. "It was just a bit of dirty talk," Graham smiled, "that's all. And I'm sorry for it."

"Okay," Richard said, shaking himself lightly, as if to rid himself of the past fifteen minutes. "Okay," he said more firmly. "Can we just go to bed?"

Graham smiled, stood up and pulled Richard to his feet, "Of course."

Later, as Richard settled his head on Graham's chest to sleep, as usual, Graham thought _Something is going on, and I mean to find out what_ and then he was asleep.

***

When the next morning started the usual way (Richard waking up at an stupidly early hour to go run, Graham waking up later to make breakfast for when Richard would return, and the two of them driving to the studio together for work), Graham decided that if Richard didn't want to have a big conversation about it, Graham wasn't going to force him. So he'd make sure to never say 'whore' in bed again, but otherwise forget about it.

This method of avoidance worked for both of them. Richard seemed relieved to not have to discuss it, and Graham decided it was probably something an ex-lover had said since Richard and he had had sex a handful of times and this hadn't been an issue before. Beyond thinking that he'd happily beat up this ex if he ever had the chance, Graham put it out of his mind.

***

A few weeks later Graham noticed something that didn't seem quite right. Richard was very subtly sneaking food from the food service table into his pockets. It looked like a well practiced move and made Graham wonder how often Richard did this. Graham was extremely puzzled by this, considering that the food was free and intended for the cast and crew to have as much as they wanted. 

Later that day when Richard was on set filming and Graham was free, Graham slipped into Richard's trailer for a look around. _I'm doing this for his own good, just to make sure he's alright_.

Graham looked around the trailer for a good fifteen minutes, looking into every small crack and crevice and was startled to find that there were five different hidden stashes of food. Graham left everything where he found it, and left the trailer swiftly, not wanting to be caught.

Graham wandered back to his trailer and saw Ian McKellen sitting on the step of his own trailer. Graham slowed his steps and stopped a few metres from Ian, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Ian raised an eyebrow at him, "Yes?"

Graham nodded at him, stalling as he marshalled his thoughts. He looked up at the sky as he started to slowly speak, "Why do you think someone would hide food?"

Ian's second eyebrow joined his first raised one. "Of everything you could have asked, that was not something I thought you might say."

"And yet, that's what I'm asking," Graham said, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

Ian _hmm_ ed. "Is this person on a diet?"

"No," Graham said, immediately. He and Richard had talked on their first official 'date' about how glad they were that dwarves were supposed to be more bulky, before digging into a great meal. Graham grinned a bit at the memory, before focusing back on Ian.

"Is it possible that this person doesn't have access to food outside of the environment wherein they are hiding food?" Ian said.

"No, of course he-" Graham cut himself off and shook his head, "Hypothetically, this person does have access to food elsewhere," he said more calmly, and pointedly.

Ian quirked a small grin, "Ah, of course, _hypothetically_."

Graham rolled his eyes, knowing that Ian wasn't stupid enough to believe him, but also knowing that Ian could keep a secret.

"Well, in that case," Ian said sombrely, all traces of humour gone, "have you considered that the hiding of food could be a learned behaviour, from a time in hi- _this person's_ life when food was not so readily available?"

Graham frowned, "No, I hadn't considered that."

"Well," Ian said, returning to his lighter tone, "Maybe you should."

Graham nodded seriously, "Thank you."

Ian just nodded back, standing to go back inside his trailer, but he paused just inside the trailer door. "Graham," he said. 

Graham stopped from where he had started to walk away, "Yes?"

"We all care about him a great deal. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what will happen to you if you fuck this up," Ian calmly said.

Graham's eyebrows shot up in surprise and he stammered out, "Yes, sir."

Ian smiled. "Good," he said, and then shut his trailer door swiftly.

Graham walked away in a bit of a daze; he had some thinking to do.

***

Graham didn't have the courage to press the issue until a few days later when he and Richard had two days off in a row. Graham had suggested that they drive up the coast and stay at a B&B for the night, hoping that Richard might feel more willing to talk if they were away from their cast mates and by the ocean, since Richard had confessed that he always felt calm there. 

That night, after dinner they sat together on a bench on the beach in front of their B&B. Graham let the silence stretch comfortably for a while before reluctantly breaking it, knowing that to give their relationship a real chance, Richard had to trust him, and Graham had to prove himself worthy of that trust.

Graham took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and said, "I'd like to talk to you."

Richard tensed up, just like he did when he was uncomfortable in interviews, "That sounds ominous," Richard said with an attempt at levity that fell flat.

"It's not," Graham said quickly. "I've just noticed some things that I thought," he shrugged, "maybe we should talk about them."

Richard relaxed slightly, cocking his head a bit, "What things?"

 _There's no easy way to say this_ , Graham thought, wincing slightly before saying quickly, "I've noticed that you hoard food even if you're not actually eating it and the way you reacted to the word wh- _that_ word that I said."

Richard tensed up again, half rising off of the bench, "Oh," he said quietly.

"Richard, wait," Graham said, reaching out a hand, but carefully not touching Richard since Richard seemed like one touch would likely shatter him.

To Graham’s relief, Richard sat back down, but he sat as far from Graham as he could on the bench. "Graham," Richard began, his voice low, "I don't know what to tell you."

Graham inched towards Richard, ducking his head to try to capture Richard's gaze. "The truth would be good, if you can manage it. But if you can't, say the word and we can drop this until you're ready to talk. I don't want to pressure you, love" 

Richard's face was pinched in confusion, "You've never called me 'love' before," he said.

Graham cursed himself internally for letting that slip. _This isn't the time_ , he thought to himself, but he had to forge on now. "I know we've been dating for only a couple of months, but I mean it, Rich, I do."

"Oh," Richard said, again. "You can't! If you knew what I -"

Graham cut him off, "I can," he said steadily, "And I do. I don't care what's in your past, Richard, nothing will change that."

Richard bit his lip, concentrating hard on his hands, which were twisting in his lap.

They sat like that for a few long moments: Graham's hand reaching along the back of the bench towards Richard, and his whole concentration on Richard, while Richard looked down at his hands, taking deep breaths.

Richard raised his head to look out at the ocean and spoke softly. “There was a time in my life, after the circus but before I started making any money doing musical theatre, where I had barely enough money to afford the cheapest of flats in the most awful neighbourhood. I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.” He laughed bitterly. “No one would hire a kid with no experience outside of the circus and I was so hungry, but I knew that if I spent the money on food, I wouldn’t have the money for rent. It was winter, Graham.” Richard finally turned his head slightly to look at Graham at the corner of his eye. “I couldn’t live outside.”

Graham nodded, trying to convey his understanding.

“I had to eat.” Richard nodded to himself, repeating as if to convince himself. “I had to eat.”

Graham finally let his hand touch Richard’s shoulder, lightly gripping it. “You had to eat,” Graham repeated.

Richard looked into Graham’s eyes and upon finding the truth of the words, nodded again, and then looked back to the ocean, “It was only a few months, only a few times a week, but I –,” Richard paused, took a deep breath. “I let people fuck me. For money,” Richard spit out.

Graham squeezed Richard’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Richard. It’s okay,” Graham said.

Richard shot to his feet, spinning to face Graham, who raised his hands in a non-threatening way. “It is _not_ okay, Graham!” Richard shouted, “I was a whore! I let those men do whatever they wanted and I’d wait as long as I could, I tried to make the food last, but I was so hungry,” Richard sobbed the last word.

Graham stayed seated, not wanting to startle Richard, “You did what you had to, Richard,” Graham said firmly, “You did the only thing you could do to stay alive, and you were so strong, Rich, _so_ strong. If you hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t be here with me now: a strong man who survived against terrible odds.”

Richard dropped to his knees as if his strings had been cut. Graham jumped up to catch him, and together they eased to the ground, settling in the sand. Graham brought their heads together, touching his forehead to Richard’s, wiping Richard’s tears away with his thumbs. “Hush now, love, you’re alright. I can see that you've been scared, and that's why you've been hiding food, but you don't have to be scared anymore. Everything is okay now. No one will ever put you in that situation again, I promise.”

They sat there, holding each other and breathing while Richard stopped crying and calmed down, letting his head fall onto Graham’s shoulder. “Thank you,” Richard said.

“Thank _you_ for trusting me with this,” Graham replied.

Richard gave Graham a last squeeze before pulling away and standing up slowly. He pulled Graham up with him and took a deep breath. “Okay,” Richard said, “Back to the B&B?”

Graham smiled, “Back to the B&B,” he confirmed.

***

Ian sat on set, drinking coffee in silence with Martin Freeman, waiting for the crew to be ready for the early morning shooting. Richard and Graham walked by holding hands, and Ian noticed that Richard seemed much looser than before his two-day break.

“I guess they aren’t hiding their clandestine love affair anymore?” Martin asked idly. 

Ian smiled, “Well, we did all know about it.”

“They look happy,” Martin paused, “It’s a bit sickening, really,” he grinned, “I wonder what changed?”

Ian just raised his eyebrows wisely and said in his Gandalf voice, “I wonder.”

Martin rolled his eyes, and changed the subject.

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Let's just handwave the fact that there are programmes that help people in Richard's situation, okay?
> 
> Title from Galway Kinnell poem 'Wait'.


End file.
